I have a lot of questions in (or on?) my mind. I am worried about a lot of things. It's not exactly healthy for my emotional wellbeing...and it's not so great for my family either. At one point in my life, when I was much younger, everything was an open book. There was a certain "benefit" to it - not that I feel the same way about it now. I cried in public, I told my "friends" every detail of my problems and the drama was what kept me going. I'll give myself a little reprieve here because not all of it was drama and I'll defend myself on that up to my deathbed - but the feeling of being victimized was something I dragged on and on because it allowed me to get sympathy. It's the result of having a very low self esteem. I chose the wrong men to date when I was younger - not intentionally but certainly, I had to have been smart enough to know if it's not going to work out...yet, I went ahead and dated them anyway. The times when I was hurt, I was really hurt. I'd hate to think that those times were my fault altogether...but maybe I invited it in my life. Sometime ago, I read or heard (can't remember anything these days!!!), that the universe "works" or "listens" to whatever energy you put into it. Perhaps that's true?

At my age now and at this stage in my life...wrong men are no longer my issues. Thank God!

These days, there are plenty of things that live in my head. They aren't renting the space for free. At least not completely. Fifteen years of marriage, parent to a pre-teen boy and a highly active little girl, adult child of ageing parents who are suffering from health problems, sibling to sisters who have problems of their own, homeowner, renter, PTA member, unsure friend to friends who are unsure as well (how do you maintain friendships at this age and worse, in this expat world??), wife to a husband who's busy and stressed about the economy and his job, who's tired and wishing to be in the middle of nowhere at times....

Oh, I know, I know - I could complain of worse things which I won't since I'm in a fairly "good" place in my life. Blah blah blah....I hate it when people tell me I can't worry too much (translation: complain) or that I can't feel the way I do. Damn it, just because I am in a fairly "good" place in my life doesn't preclude me from having these kind of feelings!

The difference is...I no longer lay out my magnanimous screw ups in detail for friends and family to pick over with me. These days, I keep mum. I maintain the notion that my life is balanced, focused and on track. I have transplanted myself to the other side. The far end. The opposite way. Completely closed up and totally sealed. In other words...it's a secluded and lonely place. Leave it to me to go to the other extreme. To think that the GREY areas have been my territory for so long, even I am surprised (well, not exactly, just perplexed!).

Let's just say, I do have a lot on my mind. So do my family and friends. The fact is, with all of us sharing the world's problems, I don't feel comfortable anymore to just lay it out to someone. Who am I kidding? I just want to vent. For all I know, that person may be going through issues of her/his own. The last thing that person needs is my selfish ranting. Or maybe I just feel no one is willing enough to listen to me because...well, I'm just plain insecure. Like a footnote. A speck on the universe.



I have a lot of questions in my head....and right now, I don't have answers. I recognize that possibly what I need is to just have faith. In what, who or where - those are also unanswered questions. Maybe just plain faith that things things will remain okay or can get better, faith in the healing process, in forgiveness, in the tears that flow from occassional loneliness, in the breath one exhales, in the kids coming home safe and sound everyday, in providing a loving home despite stressful times, in Judd coming back to us each time he leaves for a business trip, in loved ones remaining healthy and staying with us on this earth for as long as possible, in friends who seem like they are a million miles away but still have a small space in their heart for you, in second or third chances, in all sorts of possibilities....

Faith. To be brave and have faith. I can certainly try. Oh, to navigate this life...I wish it wasn't so complicated.