My mom and I - we have a strange relationship. Growing up, my Mom was very busy taking care of my Dad. No, my Dad's not sick or anything... it's just that, my Mom spent most of her energy making sure my Dad was well taken cared of, she was very loyal to him, subservient even. She relied on him to make all the decisions and although she's made many contributions to the strength of the marriage and the family, she always took a step back and stayed in the shadows. It doesn't mean she neglected or ignored us...but I must admit that I have very vague memories of what we did as Mother and Daughter. I had a nanny all to myself and when my nanny left to marry, my cousin, whom I like to refer to as my adopted sister (because my Mom did adopt her essentially), took care of me. My Mom had a reputation for being a great cook and baker which also took a lot of her time....she was always taking care of others - her heart cannot turn people away. There were always people coming in and out of the house....always with food to take home. How she managed it, I don't know. I remember many of the things she did...I just don't remember the two of us doing a lot of Mommy & Me things together...I don't know why and I never really asked. Maybe because there were little of those moments to remember...or maybe I am having selective memory.
What I do know now is that she's spending a lot more time taking care of her daughters and cultivating a relationship. She's dedicated herself to assisting all of us in any way she can (which isn't to say she didn't in the past but as we age, her form of support has also changed). She visits my family often and she never just sits around to relax - she's always moving, always taking care of the kids, of me - 'til she's exhausted and splayed on her favorite floor mat and snoring. Yes, snoring...you know she's tired when she's snoring. But not until after she's gotten my water flask filled with cold water, or taken out the egg from the fridge a half hour before so she can boil it just right for me...things I don't ask her to do but she does so anyway.
I have many regrets...I hate that I do - but I do. One of them is that I rarely let my Mom into my heart. I didn't see her as a strong woman that I could model myself into. I never accepted how much she's made herself submissive to Dad (bless both their hearts). I seemed to have made sure that however much I love Judd, I will never stay in the background, I WILL be heard, I am not going to remain unaware of what goes on with our finances, I will be an equal partner, etc....in other words, I've tried very hard to be anything BUT my Mom. Or so I thought. Yet....I am very much like her, in more ways than one. I say to myself, tomorrow - I will be less harsh with my opinion on her decisions. I will accept her choices - it was what she knew, what was taught to her, what was passed on to her by my maternal Grandmother, my Lola...whom I never got to meet, who died so young. Yet everyday, I still resist. I wonder how much more time I have left to make it right....in the last few months, a few of my friends who are roughly the same age as I am, have lost a parent. We are now at that age...when parents start to get sick..."move on". I am so afraid to lose a parent...especially one I haven't completely and without reservations, given due respect, love and attention to, that she so deserves and probably craves.
I am reminded of this quote that I found on the blog Domestic Reflections:
"She discovered with great delight that one does not love one's children just because they are one's children but because of the friendship formed while raising them."
-- Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Our relationship now isn't just Mom and Daughter...we've become friends who bicker and make-up all the time...she is impressed that her daughter's all grown up. I am impressed that she's willing to try new things.
Today, we went to the Luge and Skyride at Sentosa. I have been meaning to take the kids there to try it out. I wasn't sure if I wanted to actually ride it but I wanted the kids to do it. We brought along my nieces, who are also visiting. Along the way, my idea was for my Mom to stay behind at the ticketing office since I knew she couldn't do the Luge. Judd, instead, suggested she ride the Skyride on her own going down so that she can ride back up with us. I was horrified! My Mom alone on that Skyride?? What if she makes the wrong move, what if she panics, what if she gets sick? Instead, my Mom said "Sure, okay!". I thought, by GOD, you are all nuts if you think I'm going to let her go on her own!
The next thing I knew, she had a ticket in her hand, I am livid at Judd and she's now being assisted by the handlers to sit on this ride. I am beside myself and I realize there's not much I can do, let's get our helmets, ride the luge fast and see if she got there safely. Meanwhile, I passed on all my fears to my daughter who's now sobbing because she's worried about her "Lalo" and she's deathly afraid to ride now.
Fast forward - we're all riding the Luge and having the time of our lives, yelling & forgetting briefly about Mom. When we arrive at the bottom, my Mom was standing there with a big smile on her face, perfectly fine. I wondered...what was I so worried about? My Mom...she just rode the Skyride on her OWN. My Dad would FREAK! After being so giddy and taking pictures, we rode back on the Skyride together - her second ride and our first. Meanwhile, Liam is frightened a bit and so was I. My Mom? She was just sitting there and enjoying the ride.
Maybe, just maybe, this woman isn't so frail and fragile, after all. Maybe she's the brave woman I want to become. We'll never really see eye to eye on many mundane things (she likes white bread and I like whole wheat, she likes to deep fry food and I like to panfry or bake them...). However, I am seeing more and more (which I never thought to consider!)...that she's a BRAVE and STRONG woman.
I will see to it she knows that I feel this way...before it's too late....
